good bye the year..

It might be my last peace of writing this year. Finally I am going back in the real world from this matrix. These two weeks were really great. One good thing of living alone is you are not afraid of being alone.

It was quite enjoyable every morning when you have options of toilets and bathrooms and floor too. Which one today? (hahaha). Watching movies alone was also not bad. These days most of the movies I downloaded were vampire or wolf story. I do like these types but the last Korean vampire movie was really scary. The lady vampire in the movie, the way she was sucking the blood … even I would enjoy if I encounter with a lady vampire but I will allow sucking my blood only if she is beautiful and allow me to kiss her. But after the last movie I am thinking to change my mind.

At winter night between trees in the fogy night in the moon light walking alone and coin drop silence... strange gratification. I think I have given a lot of time to myself now its time to wake up.

If I look back since the starting of this year, lots of things, lots of experience, some are good some are bad. But truly, I don’t want to count what I got and loose this year that I usually do at the end of a year, all I want to just move on. Frankly I don’t understand the meaning of these words but use frequently in my suggestions for others. Actually the world confused me what is true? First desire then deserves or first deserves then desire.

Now the chapter of this year is going to be closed so I want to give a thought that why I started writing here. May be I am not even true to myself. The reasons could be – I want to keep the trace of the situation I faced, I want to improve my writing skill, I usually forget the reasons that why I choose the way so keep that in my memory, or may be wanted to show that how lonely, unhappy and hard life I am living here.

But I feel now that it’s not true. I can’t be sad for a long even I want to be. Life is smooth and all the essential things for living I have here so … “laugh and the whole world will laugh with you. Cry and you will cry alone”. What an inspiring quote.

I don’t need anyone. No one can help me if I can’t. I came alone in this world and will go alone.No more waiting, No more pain. Enjoying alone, both sunshine and rain.

wasting my time to solve some mystries....

How fast things change. its like ..i woke up n dream is over and  now m back from where i have started. only thing that i earned , some memories...

Rs 25/- i had to pay as an entry fee for 'FUGIA' ,the rock fest here, and gave an unsuccessful try to enjoy the moment but it was useless. what a crap fashion show, boring stalls and crap singers. except the girl who did sing 'jane kya chahe mann bawra'. i never payed so much attention that how nice the song was. beside that when almost every one there were dancing n enjoying all i was doing to watching them from a corner.some tried to pull me there, even i tried to get involve but it was useless. i was also listening to the chats between the BE students, how crap matters an things they talk about but suddenly i felt that its exactly what i used to do there. unwillingly i have crossed the stage but still not able  to accept this. whatever, i utilized my entry fee and decided that not anymore. i will not attained any fest here.

Bhagwaan ke ghar der hain andher nahi, its very true but your desire dies if you don't get that till a time. i can remember how egarly i wanted to be here but now after 4 years i don't feel any twinkle of joy inside me.i can remember i skiped morning walks there because i had no track suit there. i wanted a bicycle there so i could enjoy the days in the way i decided. always wished that if only there i could get a high euiped zym then.. now when i have a lot of things that i wanted that time, why i am not doing that as i used to plane about. these things are really very complicated to understand but very easy to make someone other understand. i have no idea what am i doing here when almost everyone has gone home in the vacation even now it is very easy for me to go home that i always wanted there.

2 Dec,09

Fabrication of modules in my mind wafer was in progress and I am not in saturation state yet, but time to take a unwanted break. At the same time mess wale bhaiya ji arrived with tea. 
In the hostel room, at 11pm at night, during exam + winter season and a cup of tea. Just great.
My vlsi tutor is still on the call with his girl and I have to wait for him finished. Though I finished the tea and still a lot of modules are left but the break is going long. Outside the room the fucking cold is freezing. With this, in the hostel  silent mode profile is activated. .. a deep silence outside and inside. Not a full moon night but the moon is appearing like ...batter to returned at the fabrication site I mean room and finish the syllabus.
But he is still on the call. Now it is irritating me.  Should I too call someone to kill the time? No sms is batter option but no new sms to forward and I don’t want to ask anyone how they are or what they are doing. Let them do what they want to do and let them be as they are. Why disturb anyone in their busy life…   

I like this season.not winter i mean this exam season.ya i do like the winter as others but here i am taking about this little unavoidable one or two week season.A season when my new interests grows in field of gathering knowledge except regarding the exam syllabus. like before this time it will also over too quickly but the same question arise in my mind like every time .HOW? How will i cover all these ununderstandable strange boring syllabus.

During this period my desire for watching movies reaches on peak but all i do just stacked them onto my 'unwatched pended movies' list. With these i don't know how i find new interests like learning new software, language and other irrelevant skills that just go off as the season over.

But one thing what i like most about this season is that you are so busy that you hardly get time to think what you usually used to think that you actually don't want to think but your thinking doesn't allow you to think other thing except that thing...... enjoying the exam + winter season.Cooool combination ...

For the first time.. I was sure that I really like this. usually i never know what i like or dislike or what i want.i still not sure about my hobbies, interests, goals but for that I was. and now it happened.

someone stole that from me that i liked more then any i ever had. At that moment i felt this in my heart when it was being stolen but i was carelessly sleeping there not even tried to look after that. I deserve this.

Now i learn that either don't like anything or take care of the thing that you like.
Thanks to the thief at least he left his sleeper for me. my favorite shoes..

Thing that i can remember

when you laid on my shoulder
i hold my breath and my heart beat louder
things that was in your heart
in my heart i heard what you did whisper

when you hold me there
touched my heart and made me
feel like i felt never
please don't say anything dear
let my heart in his fancy
i know you are not with me
but he doesn't understand this
now and will never

when i ask him - 

why don't you wake up the dream is over
there was nothing and will never
he replies- 

you face the truth
why do you fear
can't you see this
she is always here.
       

winter is lovely
knocking on the door
will bring some cold with
but somthing will be wrong
not the things not the world
just the days are getting shorter
and the nights will be long

days i can pass but
can laugh with the world and
make them i am their part but
evenings are getting silent and darker
and the nights will be alone
i can sleep sweet but
your dreams will be long

thou the night is cool and the sky is clear
too many stars,too far, but the moon is near
here i can feel this but you can't see there
thinking i can see you if you could be here
how to cheat my heart in the way i fear

the way i will do that
i know will be wrong
as deeper it will go
pain will be high,
and the night will be long....